It's the kind of exhaustion that sneaks up on you and leaves you feeling broken and tormented. No one deserves to feel that way.
Going through the motions of your daily routine felt normal and even comforting, until one day when you woke up, you felt something was missing. You couldn't explain it but a sense of emptiness began to fill you and the excitement you used to have when it came to facing the day, suddenly seemed like a distant dream. When you looked in the mirror, it was as if a stranger was staring back and you wondered... "When did I become this person?" It is a question that you may still not have an answer for.
For a long time, dealing with the burdens of your personal life as well as work was manageable even if it was hard. There was always some obstacle to fight or some challenge to overcome. There was always someone who needed a shoulder to cry on or an outlet to vent their anger. There was always someone else whom you prioritized over yourself who needed help or a task that couldn't be done without you.
However, at some point, the stress of it all started to eat away at you. You may not have noticed it then, but all it took was one moment to make you feel lost and imprisoned in your own body. Now, you may find yourself exhausted and tired. But it is possible it is your soul that is drained not just your body. Do you face any of these on a regular basis?
Dealing with everyone else's mood swings or stressful situations while keeping a calm head yourself used to be easy. But this feeling of being expected to be a certain way all the time makes you feel trapped, and all the emotions you kept bottled up are starting to overflow. You find yourself more frustrated with problems that could be solved easily, and the tears come unbidden to your eyes. Of course, this only makes you more upset because you feel weak for not being able to keep it together, and the vicious cycle just continues.
Your body and your mind are more interconnected than you might realize, and the storm raging in your head is taking a toll on your body, too. You don't feel as hungry anymore and you suffer pounding headaches or other symptoms often. Every step seems more difficult than the last, and your body feels heavy and lazy. Do not judge yourself for being lazy as your body is trying to do its best to function even when you don't feel your best emotionally. Instead, listen to your body. Studies show that those who have gone through abuse or trauma of any kind are more like to have a weakened immune system, making you fall ill more frequently.
No matter how many people you're surrounded by or how important they are to you, you feel lonely. You wouldn't stop being the support for your loved ones, but the knowledge that they have no idea about your inner turmoil weighs heavily on you. Even if you wanted to share your burdens, you don't even know how to make them understand. Not to mention, you worry about how they'd feel knowing about the struggles you face.
Tossing and turning seem to be all you are able to do in bed. The sweet escape into oblivion remains out of your reach no matter how hard you try. Stressful thoughts and worries keep you up at night or you wake up middle of the night unable to doze off again. Lying awake in the bed at night only tires out your body more, and when you wake up to face the day, you don't feel refreshed at all.
It's scary how negative and indifferent you feel these days, especially towards the people who you genuinely care about and love. All the pent-up energy you put into trying to stay emotionally stable is suddenly gone, and all that's left behind is a void. Nothing interests you anymore, and your heart feels colder than ever. Your self-esteem seems to have taken a nosedive, and you feel putting any thought into your relationships means using effort and energy that you just don't have. Instead, as much as you hate to see yourself become this way, bitterness and cynicism have colored your thoughts and views.
Whether it's in your personal life or your professional one, focus eludes you. Your emotional exhaustion has left you feeling unable to remember important things or meet deadlines. Even if you know there's pressure on you to do certain things, nothing seems to shake you out of this state and everything feels like a blur.
Nothing can keep your mind from wandering anymore. You might feel like you're watching yourself from the outside, unable to stop the worst-case scenarios from floating around in your mind. You might snap back to reality, but you feel confused about what you were doing before you zoned out. The line between numbness and reality is fading, and you fear what will happen when that line is completely gone.
The spark that once made you see the positive things in life, the spirit that makes you YOU seems to be missing. With nothing to interest you or feel worth the effort, the loss of self that you go through only scares you more. After all, how much longer do you have before you burn out completely and just go through life like a zombie?
If you've been feeling this way for a while, it's a sign that you need to start putting yourself first and paying attention to your emotional and physical health. You deserve to be happy and your soul deserves the chance to feel full. Remind yourself that you are a living, breathing human capable of love and being loved. Allow yourself to heal and if doing it alone feels even more burdensome, find someone you can trust to help you piece your soul back together. Don't give up and watch how you turn back into that person who is full of life and laughter.